The 5 key relationship-busters
Some days I finish my surgery and feel my job description has been changed to marriage-guidance counsellor. Warring couples can see their doctor as an independent referee, arbitrating between them in the (often vain) hope that he or she can put a broken relationship back together. I listen and try to provide common sense and practical advice, but time and again I see the main characteristics that destroy relationships. I call these the 'big 5'.They are:
1	Always be right. Trying to talk to someone who is never
wrong is extremely frustrating. Attempting to reason with
someone like this over a number of years is a recipe for bit
terness and dislike. In my experience, I am afraid that men
are probably guiltier of this than women are. Learn to listen
to the other side of an argument and remember that no one
— and I mean no one — is always right. If you think you are,
you are lying to yourself.
2	Always be critical. I see this in parents and their children and
it saddens me deeply. People who live with constant criti
cism not only lose their sense of self-worth, but also learn to
condemn. A patient for whom I could never do enough was
always criticizing my attempts to help him, until one day I
asked him if his parents had ever encouraged him in any
thing. To my surprise he burst into tears and talked at length
about how their persistent criticism had undermined him to
the point where his defence was to always criticize others.
We got on famously after that.
3	Perfect the art of sarcasm. Many couples have learned to use

.Relationships
gentle, or ironic, sarcasm in their relationship and this often disguises a deep affection for each other. This is completely different from the savage and biting sarcasm of condescension, used as a weapon to knock someone's confidence repeatedly and erode their standing within a relationship. This is not only offensive but cruel, and is usually a sign of a weak person trying to bully another. Stand up to it as you would to any other bully and you will see results. When patients ask me to define 'gentle' sarcasm, I remind them of the true story about a petrified young lawyer standing in court for the first time. Facing the judge he could only stammer, 'My lord, my unfortunate client - my lord, my unfortunate client - my lord ...' Smiling benignly the judge said, 'Go on, sir, the court is entirely with you so far.' That always makes me smile, something raw sarcasm is never intended to do.
4. Become defensive when challenged on any point. It is a rare doctor who does not do this. This is partly a reversion to the days when many doctors thought they were God. Fortunately society and the medical profession now realize that if medicine is to work, it has to be in a real partnership between doctor and patient. This applies to any relationship - if you put up a wall in front of anyone who challenges what you say, however benignly, then the person will probably eventually stop talking to you. Trying to cocoon yourself from any kind of criticism will ultimately leave you isolated. Learn that criticism, when justified, can be useful.
5. Be untruthful. This is the killer. More relationships are wrecked by deceit than by anything else. We all need someone to •whom we can talk to as an honest confidant, and we expect such openness in return. This is healthy, desirable and

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