Bereavement need not be fatal
Death, like taxes, comes to us all. It is a part of my job, and I always marvel at the different ways bereaved people react. These vary from a quiet acceptance and a quick resumption of normal life to unspeakable grief, from which there is no recovery and which - I have no doubt — can cause death from a 'broken heart'. We feel grief not only emotionally, but physically, socially and spiritually too. Understanding the natural phases of grief helps people come through one of the greatest crises they can face.
First there is shock and disbelief. I have sat in many homes after a death where all the family are able to say is 'I don't believe it.' They listen but do not hear, and feel detached from the real world. Because shock can cause an outwardly calm appearance, it is often wrongly assumed that the person has accepted their loss, when in fact they cannot even understand what has happened to them. Mary, a 64-year-old woman, was in this position when she lost her husband suddenly because of a heart attack. When I saw her later that day, she was so stunned she hardly recognized me, despite having known me
for years.
After this shock - which often lasts until the funeral is over, and occasionally long afterwards - there are intense feelings of separation. The bereaved may see their loved one as a ghost, hear their voice or dream about them constantly when asleep. Mary took to visiting her husband's allotment, still convinced he would be there despite having seen him being buried the week before. This phase can last some weeks, but is usually overtaken by despair and anger.
It is usual for family and friends to rally around a bereaved person at the time of their loss, but this support gradually tails off over the next few weeks and months. This is the wrong way round - the usual time people need most support is several weeks afterwards,
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.Crisis Management
when the house is quiet and people have gone away to get on with their own lives. Extreme sadness and depression are common, as is anger, which can be marked. When I was visiting Mary one day she rounded on me and gave me both barrels between the eyes for not preventing her husband's death, even though she knew no one could have done so. She poured out a stream of vitriol and abuse, and I had to sit and wait for the storm to pass before she began to sob, and sobbed for a long time. She later told me how embarrassed she felt about this, but admitted it had made her feel better. She needed to let her feelings out, and I just happened to be in the firing line at the time.
Such despair very gradually gives way to acceptance that the person really is dead, and there is no going back. This can take a very long time (occasionally never) and I always advise people to get past the first anniversary of the death, viewing this as a milestone in their grief. Mary did well, and just after this time had picked up her social life and was coping with being alone.
It is vital not to diminish your loss. Think of life as having stopped, changed irrevocably, and moved on in a completely different way. This may involve having to learn new skills, meet new people or channel your feelings into a new hobby or job. Either way, bereavement means you will be dealing with a new life and if you accept this it is never fatal.
Most people survive the death of a close friend or relative, but it takes time. Accept the loss, express your emotions and — if necessary — distract yourself by putting your emotional drive into a job or activity. Remember to talk to friends and family.
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