681
JwiiliPlfiijl
Control bow you react
We all respond to what other people say to us, no matter how much we try not to. I was made aware of this when I was dealing with Jack, a garrulous man in his 80s, and found I was becoming tense even before he walked into my room. Over the previous months the consultations had followed a typical pattern. Polite enquiries from me were met with dismissive comments, any attempts to find out why he had come were shrugged off, and after ten minutes of going around in circles we were both angry and frustrated. Exit patient, and I ended up seething for the next half-hour, which distracted my attention from others.
What was happening was I had allowed Jack's stress to rub off on me. Instead of sitting back and distancing myself from his emotions to concentrate on mine, I matched his anger with anger and lost the plot. This is the basis of road rage, arguments that spiral out of control and most of the domestic disputes I am called out for. The principle here is simple — you are responsible for dealing with your stress, so let other people deal with theirs. The following techniques may help:

.Crisis Management
^        Remind yourself that you may be being used as a dumping ground for another person's stress, and that is how they deal with their problems. Don't let them - resist picking up their stress package.
It can often be rewarding if you can stop yourself being polluted by others' stress. The next time Jack came in to see me, I used every trick I could think of so I did not rise to his stress. The calmer I stayed the more he shouted, but a surprising thing then happened. He stopped shouting, went very quiet and burst into tears. He sobbed like a child for many minutes, and when he stopped he began to speak - calmly and politely. Over the next 20 minutes he told his story, and I realized why he had been such an angry old man. For over 50 years he had lived with the memories of what he had done and seen in the Second World War, with nightly dreams of dead colleagues haunting him. We would now call this post-traumatic stress disorder, but after the war no one would listen to him. He had never been able to bring himself to tell anyone, because they always got angry with him beforehand. By staying calm I had given him the chance to open up, and he had. I still see Jack from time to time, and it always reminds me of the benefits of not rising to the challenge of other people's stress. Learn not to, and watch the result.

When someone starts to get angry in front of you, take a mental step back from their emotions. However hard it may be, try to listen to what is being said rather than how it is said.
Remember to use the 'mental wall' (see Tip 12) if you need to, and breathe deeply in an effort to keep calm.
When the person leaves, imagine their stress leaving with them. Do not forget to flush tension away afterwards.

Don't let someone else's stress infect you. Other people are responsible for handling their stress, you deal with yours.

145
144